standing outside myself

I hate these kinds of mornings. The ones where you wake up from a night of crazy dreams and they seem to control the rest of your day. Your sleep is not restful since you are fighting with yourself all night long in your dreams.

Last night I had weird dreams. Some people may find this weird, but I do put some stock into my dreams. I think they can point out things that I am not ready to face in the light of day. I had really bad nightmares when I was trying to decide to stay in grad school. I talked them out with my mom and they started to make sense. They really were the gut feelings I was having, but that I wasn't allowing myself to feel because I was too busy thinking.

Well, last night I had two dreams with similar themes. In both dreams there were two of me. I was looking myself from outside myself. In the first one I was running from something, and I saw myself on a chairlift with my sisters. I reached out to pull my arm but the chairlift was already to far gone. But the next chair had me and my sisters on it again. I reached out and barely touched my arm, but the Me on the chairlift didn't turn around.

The second dream was even more disturbing. I was back in high school, except that I was married. I didn't have the white shirt to go with my uniform so I was wearing a blue shirt that said "TRUTH". No one had a white shirt for me to borrow. But then some boys said they had a shirt, so I went over to get it. (There are still 2 me's-one doing the action and the other watching). The boys said mean stuff to Action Me, and so Watching Me got really mad and started yelling, crying and trying to get people to understand that what happened to Action Me was not okay, and contrary to a classmate's comment, was not "christian" (I don't know where that came from!) People expected Watching Me to go to classes, but there was no way I could deal with those people, so I told the teachers that I would test out of their classes so I didn't have to attend.

The second dream was sad, emotional, and just plain frustrating. It is also probably the one with the most dream "interpretation" fodder.

My take on my dreams: I'm not being true to myself, and I'm not taking care of myself like I should be. There are obviously some issues in the second dream and I need to deal with. I think a part of that dream is also saying that there is a real me (with TRUTH) on her shirt, and there is lots of pressure to be a different me (wearing a white (read: pure) shirt). I've got think about that one.

I'm going to do my best not to let this get the best of my day.